Hunger Versus Fulfilment

As the guarded Hunger is released,

I'm held in a sacred embrace of desire to the endless whispers of sensuality,

Where shame no longer speaks its vitriolic acid name,

To transmute pain into soft lilting tones of a sapphic love,

To unburden the heart to bleed in truth, love and power of liberation.

What Hungers you?

On my journey of self-discovery, of transmuting pain into power, I learned early on in my journey I had to dig deep beneath the symptoms of the eating disorder. Eating disorders are like a poisoned layered cake they have many layers and reasons why, not just one.    This is exploring one layer of toxic eating disorders.

To ask the dreaded, painful question what really hungers me?  What I’m repressing when I repress my hunger and starve myself.  I’m repressing my sexuality and hunger for love and sex in a loving same–sex relationship.

Because of my conditioning and the mixed messages I’ve been handed down the collective shame wound from the female collective that woman shouldn’t desire or have needs.  Where woman are labelled as caregivers, wives’ mothers, sisters and should be in service to the world.

And the negative messaging is that sex is something to be embarrassed about or a shameful thing that is taboo because of the collective female shame wound.   Shame is an invisible wound that no-one sees but only you know it’s there.  The eating disorder starves the shame off but also starves the opportunity for deep healing.  Allowing shame into the conscious mind is like walking into a muddy dark cave.  But journeying past the shame into the soul of truth highlights how sex with the right person is beautiful. Where shame can heal which in turn can help change eating disordered behaviours.  Like many who grew up with toxic messaging I believed sex and love were separate things.  As sex was something shameful and love was pure and true.  And sex and love couldn’t coexist as one, merging, loving, beautiful experience.

Every time I repress my hunger for food, I repress my need for a loving relationship.  I repress my creativity, joy and lust for life. 

Love and belonging are in our DNA we need fulfilling nurturing relationships to help us thrive in life, whether gay or straight.

Bringing this subject to the light is extremely liberating as it opens a doorway where shame residues to replace it with light, power and responsibility.  Healing requires integration of all emotions.  When shame can be offered light and fed empathy instead of secrecy where it loses its power liberation can bring freedom to mind, body and soul.

I write this for all woman who have felt shamed, shunned or embarrassed about their sexuality where limited narratives have prevented un-lived, un-loved lives. 

The voices of wise feminine power speaks to me in the downfall of fallen ego.

Where I lay cradled in the terror of infancy.

The rotted disease strips away the essence of beauty.

To robotic shell of deliverance.

Eternal wisdom is discovered in the broken loss of power.

To unveil the passionate reclaiming of the autonomous self.

Separation and fear fades into loving unity and wholeness to merge into the fulfilment of surrender.

Phoenix Hogg


“I had consistently been losing weight for more than 8 months and had become accustomed to eating very little. This triggered a return of my anorexia, after a 20-year period of recovery. SWEDA were able to offer me an appointment the very next day. When we met I was feeling very ill and frightened.I spoke to them about my fears, but then took the decision to go to my doctor on the way home. I was admitted to hospital within a few days.”

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