SWEDA Somerset & Wessex Eating Disorders Association 18-25 Project

"Serving those affected by Eating Disorders"

Recovery and the whole self.
Takes sometime to think about your life balance before looking at peoples thoughts in recovery

How balanced is your life when you live in an eating disordered world. How much does our life impact on how we feel and function? Everyone has a relationship with food, some of us are more affected by this than others.

My Story
I have had anorexia since I was 12 years old, over 7 years of my illness I have had several inpatient admissions and day patient ones to various eating disorder Units.

I originally had a place to study medicine at Kings College London, I achieved 5 A level grades at grade A. I  met the entrance requirements and was set to start my course September 2002. However I was admitted to hospital at a BMI of 10 soon after my A levels due to anorexia and was asked by Kings to have a year out to get myself into a better position to start the course I went back to kings in June 2003 having achieved a health weight for confirmation of my place, however rather than confirm my place and say that I could start the course in September they withdrew me as they’d adopted a policy that they would not take a person with a long history of severe anorexia. I was devastated as a career in medicine had been a life long goal and it seemed too late to get to uni in 2003.

However I reapplied through UCAS fro a law degree as Law was my second choice of career option and personally rang all the law schools to explain my situation and late application. I received in July 2003 offers form all 6 law schools to which I applied to  and chose to go to Southampton  University Law School.

I began my degree in Sept 2003. This year has been hard, I’ve lived in self catered halls of residence which has helped me to stick to my meal plan, and by telling my flat mates of my problems around food I have helped myself as they prompt me to eat if it appears to them that I am struggling at any time.

I have a tendency to overwork which has been a big problem this year (60 hours work a week!) however I recently met a Uni mentor and this issue we are working on together to rectify for the next academic year.

Despite the hard times over the year at Uni has been fantastic I achieved a 2.1 overall for the year when I had never studied law before coming to Uni. I have 3 work placements in barrister’s chambers in London this summer and I have gained an international law exchange in Norway. Socially I have made good friends and am treasurer of the Uni Dance society and my halls of residence jcr.

I am also running on the uni team and for the first time in my life I’m nearly content with who I am, my confidence is so much better than it was this time last year.

I have found the local eating disorders services are lacking and so have had to manage largely on my own and sought support from my old circle of friends and family who I could not have done the year without. I have found keeping a diary a life saver at times.

N  from Southampton

Recovery what is it?

• Some people believe you can recover from an eating disorder
• Some people believe that you can get to a place of being in recovery but there will always be a possibility of returning to that place if you don’t  take care.
• Some people believe there is no such thing as getting better.
• Some people feel that recovery is about living their life today and being able to be living in the world outside of hospital.

“For me absolute recovery would mean total freedom from the obsession with food and body image in whatever form that may take. There are I believe various levels of recovery and it also means working towards becoming less obsessed and more in touch with my feelings and accepting who I am and more able to interact with other people and life in general" (Anon)

“ It is a place I discovered after  trying many painful and hurtful routes, hurtful to myself, my family who were outside and painful because I though I would just be able to turn on a switch after a while and it would all be ok. It took me many years in my eating disorder and ways that took me from anorexic to 0ver-eating self harm, bulimia  and compulsive life to be that fed up with it all that I forced myself out of this familiar shell into a scary world to find other strategies and ways to cope with my life. This began with small things like visiting an elderly neighbour to  give them company when I felt wobbly! Finding a new hobby to try a course to go on”( Anon)

• Freedom form the obsession with food and body image in whatever form that may take Working towards a journey for life one step at a time
• A place where I can feel at home within myself
• A space where life become more important than how I feel about my body
• Time when I don't have to think of food 24:7
• A space where I can dream again
• A place people stop interrogating me
• When I chose to move on from that place with or without support
• When I can see life outside of my world
• When I can have friends
• To sit in a cinema and watch a film
• When I get let down I don't feel it is because the world hates me
• A way of life
• A very steep road
• Adventures
• Taking Risks
• Exploring what you want in your life
• Able to ask for appropriate help
• Able to say No
• Making choices
• Feeling my feelings
• Stopping comparing myself to others
• Having a sense of humour back
• Being able to laugh and smile again from inside out

What helps people find it?

“ I went to SEDA, used the helpline, Samaritans, Outreach workers, Community NHS groups, Art, Writing, OA, Coda, NA AA meetings to keep safe every evening I was out!”( Anon)

“ I go every night I cant sleep to the library and try to study but I cant at least I am in the library away from food and diet talk!”

• Treatment you chose and have a say in
• Someone to listen to me
• Being understood
• Seeing how awful life is in the dark hole and wanting to find a way out for myself
• Different programmes e.g. OA,EDA groups, psychotherapy, SWEDA
• Having a dream that it gets in the way of
• Belief that you can do it
• Believing there is such a thing
• Knowing it is possible
• Meeting the people who share their experiences
• Peer support
• Feeling loved and respected
• Professional support alongside you not at you
• Having a day or a minute when you feel content with yourself and thinking could I feel like this for longer?
• Friends and family being there unconditionally and helping themselves as well as you
• People knowing you have to find your own path your own way one person’s recovery is not the same as another

What can replace it and how could you fill the time?

“I went on a volunteering project in Sri Lanka and met 9 other people I had never met before. I travelled on my own, my food was totally in my own control and I spent most of the time interacting with other people.  I would never have done if food had been my only life focus still!” (Anon)

“I went to Romania working with children and families and found that there was so much to do so much love to give and receive that I was enriched inside I did not need to binge or starve I ate with people which I never did before.” (Anon)

“When I left hospital I did not know how to fill my day without being sat over the toilet, so I took on caring for peoples animals in eth day walking dogs riding horses, childminding before school and after and doing youth work in the evenings. Yes this was work holism but it weaned me off the food so when I dropped so much work and got a proper job I did not crave or need it but found new hobbies to do instead.”

• A job
• A course
• A new hobby
• Voluntary work
• SWEDA 18-25 Website
• Friends
• Being at one inside and finding an inner home and peace
• Travel

How would life be without recovery?

“ A living hell of being obsessed with food and body image, alternatively bingeing and starving, not allowed head space for anything else like relationships, socialising etc no life at all!”
“Death”
“Being lost and a total feeling of failure and useless ness”

• Not a life a mere existence
• Miserable
• Unbearable– Not worth living
• Familiar but stuck and  sad and lonely
• No head space for anything new
• Despairing

How do we measure recovery?

• Recovery cannot be measured in a matter of weeks, or achieved by going on a therapy programme for say 12 weeks, but it is a process of becoming a friend with yourself and your body and making choices about how you want to live your life and what you need to do this without using food to alter your mood and body.
• Recovery cannot be measured on a set of scales for it is far more than someone’s weight. Weight may be an indication of part of that persons recovery but it needs the full picture. Weight can measure  of safety medically and of a danger zone of illness but not a measure of internal wellness beyond life and death.
• As professionals perhaps there is a degree of shame that we recovery has no measure a broken bone can be mended and a result seen with the cure, it is different with an eating disorder and we rely on the person to define their recovery

Once you find it is it always there?

It would be nice to say yes to this but in all genuine honesty I cannot. I see recovery as a walk along a windy path, this windy path I may sometimes think I can cut the corner get there quicker and fall into a bog in my mind.

The leaflet talks about peoples experiences and how they found and keep in recovery.

Recently I was close to an edge of what felt like no return, I was upset, I was angry, I was insecure I felt alone I felt overwhelmed, and I did not know how to pacify my feelings or so it seems. I began to shut myself away from the world all that mattered was work. It felt good my weight was dropping I had felt too fat but I was not interested in food. People I care about flashed amber lights in my face I felt I was fine I did not want them in my world my own world my safe fix. Then I began to get tearful, upset anxious and my concentration was falling I had to reach out myself and ask for help. I had to make changes in my life when I discovered where my ripping points were and begin to make my way back to the free road.

I was shocked at how easy it was to fall off the path I had chosen. I see this as a lesson in itself of how I do have to work and I cannot take this for granted.

I felt angry and proud people said I had lost weight then it became boring and tedious I wished they would all back off. The familiar coldness, lack of energy and drive, lack of interest in others  met me smack in the face I had to do something I had to go back and accept that I needed more support to get my tool box and survival kit oiled and functioning once again. So I would say never assume once you find it, it will always be here or you may be as shocked as I was. I didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling but my body made it so obvious to the world outside!  (Anon)

How do you keep in recovery

• Take it one hour at a time, one step at a time
• Continual hard work
• Talking about how you really are
• Occupy yourself
• Remembering how awful it was

SOMERSET & WESSEX EATING
DISORDERS ASSOCIATION

Strode House 10Leigh Road Street Somerset BA16 0HA Adminline 01458 448611 Helpline 01458 448600 http://www.swedauk.org/

For 18-25 more information contact


www.swedauk.org
Or email lyn@swedauk.org

We can offer support to students in universities in the South West and to those preparing to go to University who have eating difficulties. Check out the website for our leaflets and what is new. We are in the process of creating an email discussion site for young people 18-25.We have support groups in some Universities and are happy to help you set up groups and raise awareness within your university.