Somerset and Wessex Eating Disorders Association
"serving those affected by eating disorders"

Coping with Christmas

This leaflet was suggested to us and initially written by Leanne Carpenter of Kimmeridge Court, Poole. It is so useful that it has been amended to be used by SWEDA (originally as a leaflet for SWEDA’s 18-25 Project); our thanks go to Leanne.

Coping with Christmas

Most people agree that Christmas can be a stressful time of year for families. This can be particularly true when someone in the family is struggling with an eating disorder or won’t come home because of their difficulties with food and socialising.

It might be helpful to get together with the person and to think about possible strategies that might enable you to help them cope with any Christmas pressures they feel they may have to face.

If this is not possible at the moment, because the eating disorder is very strong, this booklet contains ideas that others have found useful.

Many people have told us that Christmas can be a particularly stressful time for them due to the season’s emphasis on family get-togethers, having a good time and food. The Christmas period can often be the one time in the year when many close and distant relatives try to meet up and enjoy some time together.

For the person with eating difficulties and distress at social gatherings, Christmas may mean they are expected to eat meals with relatives who don’t know about their’ struggles with food, eating and body-image issues. The distress and anxiety provoked by this can cause tears, panic attacks and angry outbursts which can, in turn, lead to arguments and an atmosphere of tension.

The person with difficulties can consequently be left feeling exposed, guilty and ashamed and may end up trying to avoid coming home at all.

The sense of a daughter or son being on their own at Christmas can be very hard for the rest of the family too so the atmosphere of tension may remain even if the sufferer decides not to come home.

Below are some common situations that can be difficult for a person with an eating disorder:

• Having to eat with other people
• Feeling that people are watching what they do/don’t eat
• Worrying that they will be encouraged to eat more or to eat ‘fear foods’ (e.g. chocolate, rich deserts)
• Having comments made about their eating habits and behaviours (e.g. the amount or types of food they eat/don’t eat)
• Having to take part in conversations about food, eating, weight, shape or diets (relating to themselves or others)
• Talking or arguing about what and how much they should eat
• Being rushed during a meal or having comments made about the speed at which they eat (some gentle, sensitive reminders about the time can be useful though as they can help prevent meals from dragging on endlessly)
• Other people being uneasy around them and not knowing what to say because of their eating disorder
• Feeling unable to join in and being unhappy
• Feeling they cannot come home for Christmas or are not staying long enough
• Having comments made about how well they are looking (although it is common and encouraging for friends and relatives to do this to one another, the person in recovery may think this is a polite way of saying they have gained weight and look fat)

This very much depends upon the individual, everyone is different and it is important to remember that what is helpful to one person may be distressing to another. For this reason it may be best to begin by asking the person what they have found or think they might find helpful/unhelpful. You can then work together to try and make Christmas a less stressful time for them. There are some questions later on in this booklet that might be useful when trying to work out what sort of things can be done to try and help.

The following points compiled by people with eating disorders may also be useful as a source for ideas.

In general……..

It can help to firmly tell friends and family members who know about the eating disorder not to comment on the person’s appearance, or what/how much food they are eating.

It can also be helpful to give friends and family information to help them understand more about eating disorders. They are often misunderstood and misrepresented by the media which does not help sufferers.

It is helpful to remember the levels of anxiety that people with an eating disorder can feel, try to act in a supportive, non-judgemental way.

The person may find unsolicited questions about their problems difficult to deal with (especially whilst eating). If, however, they openly discuss a topic associated with their personal struggles, it can be helpful to talk about them.

It is best to actively avoid talking about dieting, or making weight or appearance related comments (about anyone).
If at all possible, try and achieve a relaxed, normal environment at mealtimes so as to help the person remember that eating is a healthy part of everyday life.

Try and ensure that there is no ‘rushing about’ at meal times as this can lead to anxiety and make eating more difficult.

Before a meal……..

Try to decide upon the contents and serving size of a meal in advance as on-the-spot decisions tend to be far more stressful and can then make eating much harder.

Think about serving meals away from the table so the person can check whether or not their portion size is OK before they sit down to eat (this may help stop them sitting at the table wondering whether or not they have taken too much/little).

If, however, everyone else wants to serve themselves at the table then it may be easier to have a supporter sitting next to the person with eating difficulties. That way they can copy the supporters portion-size and quietly ask for reassurance if they feel they need it.

During a meal……..

This is the most important time to avoid making comments about what the person is eating (especially their portion size) as it can make them feel very self-conscious and can increase the stress they are having to deal with.

Distractions such as background music/ having the radio on can sometimes help relieve tension in the room and create a more relaxed atmosphere.

It can sometimes be helpful to initiate talk about general topics and light current affairs so as to distract the person from their anxieties.

The struggle with the eating disorder can be very preoccupying though so do be aware that it may be hard for them to get actively involved in the conversation. They may also find it stressful if they feel they are being persistently pushed to talk.

The person will also find obvious staring difficult so try to ensure that they are not the centre of attention in any way (caring friends/family constantly asking them if they are OK will simply draw unwanted attention to their problems and frequent “sympathetic” glances will simply make them feel even more distressed). Above all, try and make sure that they are treated in as normal a way as possible.

Most people with eating disorders agree that it is helpful in the long run to have their disordered food behaviours (e.g. attempts to hide food by smearing it over the plate or hiding it in a tissue) challenged. It can however, be extremely humiliating at the time so never attempt to discuss such matters during a meal. Instead, wait until the meal is over and you can talk in private. It is important that any challenge is made sensitively and carefully so that it doesn’t make the person feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed. The eating disorder feeds on these feelings and evoking them will make eating even harder for the person. It is also really important to blame the illness, not the person. Remember that the eating disorder can make your relative ‘not think straight’ and behave in ways that they wouldn’t normally.

It might be helpful to quietly and sensitively say something like:

“I can see you’re really struggling, is there anything I can do to help you?”

“Would it help to talk about what’s troubling you”.

“I wonder what you need right now?”

If there are particular rituals they feel they must carry out when eating it may be helpful to be reassure them that they don’t actually have to do them. If you think it will help, talk to the person with an eating disorder and ask them how best you can support and help them.

After a meal……..

It is normal to want to praise your relative after they have struggled to get through a meal but for some people the eating disorder turns praise around so as to make them feel more shame, guilt and self-disgust. This may well be the case if the person feels they were wrong to eat and that they have just done something that they shouldn’t have done. For others, praise may feel patronising. Either way, praise may end up feeding the eating difficulty thus making it harder for them to eat next time.

In contrast, some people like to have their efforts acknowledged and like it that others appreciate what an achievement they have made. This is a very individual thing so it is a good idea to check out with the person how they feel about praise and what they would prefer. Just remember though, their preference may vary from one occasion to another. You are not a mind reader and you will therefore need their guidance. Don’t forget, you need to be able to say how you feel too, you don’t want to be walking on egg shells all Christmas so try to talk to one another as much as possible to help everyone feel as comfortable as possible.

Careful planning can make an enormous amount of difference to both the person with the eating disorder and those around them. The following questions might help you to think about some of the situations and events that might be stressful and the ways in which you can try to make them more manageable.

If I’m a student, when do I break up / go back to Uni?

What are my options (can I go home? stay at Uni? stay with friends? go on holiday? help on a charity shelter type project?)

Is there anything I have to do (earn some money? do course work? be with my family? take time out on my own?)

What do I like about Christmas?

What don’t I like?

How was last Christmas? What was good / bad about it?

Who is home for Christmas?

What are the family planning to do together?

Is there anything I couldn’t cope with if I am at home?

What will I do instead if I don’t go home? how would it feel not to be with my family at Christmas?

What do I really want to do?

What are the pros and cons of this?

If you are not going home who will you miss? could you talk to them/arrange another time to see them instead? if so, when?

Is my alternative a watertight plan with options for safety?

Has Christmas been difficult for you and your family in the past?

What have you and your family found particularly difficult? (e.g. large family meals, socialising with people you have not seen for some time or who do not know about your eating difficulties etc.)

What can you and your family do to help you manage these difficult situations?

Are there any other general support mechanisms that you can use (e.g. going to a friend’s house, distracting yourself with books, DVDs etc)?

Is there anything about eating in general that you could be helped with (e.g. do you like words of encouragement / praise when you eat or would you rather no-one said anything? Do you want to plan all your meals in advance or do you want to try and fit in with what everyone else is doing?)

Take my planner and think about yourself and your needs, then talk to your daughter son or sibling about what you want and what they want and see if you can find a mutually manageable plan for all!

You can still have your Christmas.

“ I feel guilt I wish they would do what they want to and not stop it all because I won’t join in. If I could I would. I feel guilty enough anyway, please carry on and let me join in where I can. I do not want to ruin your time”

It is important for carers (both personal and professional) to take time out for the Christmas celebrations, however difficult this may be, as people may feel they are letting people down.

• Change the recorded message on the answer phone
• Place an automatic reply on the email system
• Ensure that the Message Boards are running over the Christmas period.
• Work mobile phones will be turned off so no messages or texts will be replied to during the holiday.

Christmas is a particularly difficult time for people with eating disorders, as the celebrations are centred around food and eating. To accompany this, there is an expectation to be happy and relaxed, and this is often not the case for many people

During this season, many organisations close down for holidays, resulting in reduced support for people.

We know Christmas can be a really hard time for people and when people often look for support unfortunately we also have to take some time off.

During this time you may email us but will not get a response until we are open again.

The SWEDA Message Boards will be available at www.swedauk.org
( you can use the message boards to find peer support).

If you need to speak to someone urgently you could call:

You can contact SWEDA for information about eating disorders and the range of services offered (including: one-to-one support, self-help support and the telephone helpline) at :-

Strode House
10 Leigh Road
STREET
Somerset
BA16 0HA

Admin./Fax 01458 448611
email: admin@swedauk.org

www.swedauk.org

SWEDA’s telephone helpline, which is staffed by trained volunteers, many of whom have a personal experience of an eating disorder, can be reached on:-

01458 448600
an answerphone is available when the helpline is closed.


support@swedauk.org
Email support and MSN Messenger contact ID

SWEDA is a registered charity (No.1056441)
and a company limited by guarantee (No.3208772)