www.swedauk.org

Hi,
Ive been umming and erring about even logging onto the boards at the moment, but its a new day and I want to try and make it a better day.
Whats happened is in the past now. I dont really want to talk about myself anymore, or more my problems. I feel i was encouraged to open up and then when i did noone replied, bar suzanne, and i was reported (i cant thank you enough suzanne for the support you gave me, it helped a lot). It doesnt give me much confidence about posting about my struggles again. But I have been using these boards for a long time and i like encouraging and supporting others. When things are triggering, either just close the boards down and dont use them, or talk about why it is triggering and what bothers you, rather than disagreeing and reporting. That really is not aimed any one person, at all, it is for everyone to think about. What triggers you and why. And then how do you deal with it. I dont think the issue is whats triggering because like someone has said, everything could be triggering in one way or another, its more about how do you deal and respond to something that is triggering?

You are lovely, wonderful people who do not deserve to be suffering from such an awful illness. Please keep encouraging and supporting each other and when the boards get too much to handle just step away from the computer and remember what is around you that makes you happy.

Flick, lol, bless you for remembering nemo, I still love that film
I hope everyone has a good day and please just look after yourselves.
Big hugs xxxx

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“Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain

Hey bappy, sorry , lovely..
Yes I completely aggree with everything you have just said. I wish i could type more right, and reply to other threads but i cant get the words out of my head...i feel like ive lost touch with reality a bit in the past week because things have been so hard and its to get out of this bubble i feel like im in at the moment. Its scary.

But Suzanne, if you read this, please keep posting and when im in a better place ill be able to respond to your threads...i feel awful and selfish for not doing right now but all that comes out of my head is BLEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUGGGH!!!! Lol...but i aggree that many posts go amiss when replies are needed and sometimes energies go into the wrong areas..or too much energy i should say. I really really dont like arguing,,,in 'real life' i walk away from any kind of disaggreement..its something i need to gain confidence with and learn how to express without feeling scared, but if a disaggreement starts on the boards i tend to go quiet. In my own way im trying to work through this in my own way rather than ignoring the boards completely...because i dont want to ignore any of you...every member who posts is important, unique and special and we just need to work together to move forwards within our own recoveries.

Also Lily, if you read this, I hope you dont delete your account, but if you do you will be miss and until you come back, i certainly will be thinking of you.

To everyone else, and im not going to name all of you because that would take forever, but i hope you are having a good day and not getting too wet-its pouring here
Anyway, my aim for today was to just have a better day than yesterday which so far is working. Instead of spending all my time in the gym itself i split my workout in half and did half gym and half swim. the swim was good because it forced me to be with myself and not distract myself from my feelings in any way. I had to go with whatever my head was thinking and not avoid with music and tv which is what i normally do. I spent the first several length swearing blue murder at my car because it has to go back into the garage again for the hundredth and i think the garage have more of my money than I do now
Then I got into thinking about how the world feels scary right now, prickly and painful, and like there are knives going from my skin into my organs, but im not really sure why?
And then i was thinking about maybe why people found the photo triggering. Was it because it was a chocolate log? If it had been of, say, brocoli, would that have been okay? Was it because there was a note on it saying dont eat it, and it made that kind of food seem not okay to be eaten? Or was it because my parents were throwing out their control and that brought back memories for other people? Or a mixture? I dont know, it doesnt matter really, but im trying to think how to handle it from now on. Should i carry on ignoring them? (and i mean ignoring in the sense i dont say anything to my parents, not that i disobey them)...or should i bring it up that id rather my parents tell me to my face what im allowed to eat and not eat? Or go even deeper and tell them that now i am not a baby its actually not up to them, i buy my own food and dont eat their food anyway! I dont know so im just leaving it for the time being because usually i come to a decision eventually.

Well i have both kittens on my head right now licking my hair (they like chlorine) so i think i should give them some attention. Im going to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo this afternoon with my cousin. I hated the book but maybe will like the film better?! Has anyone else seen it?

Love to all xxxx

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“Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain

seen it-hated it-too mcu scary violence. Why do americans always think they can do everything better than the original????
I will reply to your post soon, but am on a roll with my studying right now so want to keep going with that whilst the going is good.
S x

Suzanne...the film wasnt my kind of thing at all, or so i thought, but i actually loved it! I didnt enjoy the book, and didnt like the violence, but the rest of the film made up for that! I hope your studying went well! what are you studying? (sorry if you've already said!).

Flick my kittens are called Isla and Inca,,,there are pics of them on the pet thread in the general discussion board ...they are tabbies and absolutely lovely!!!!! reallly really sweet

Yes, so true about moving away but sadly i cant right now ..hope you have had a good day my lovely xxx

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“Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain

BUGGER!!! just wrote a really long reply to Rose's post and it hasn't appeared on the forum!!!!
To be honest I am wiped out exhausted so am of to bed in a minute, but will try and rewrite what I wrote soon.
S x

Oh im sorry suzanne thats rubbish when that happens!! I hope you sleep well and feel refreshed in the morning ...thinking of youxx

Twinkly Dawn, what colour is your bunny? Im terrible when i go to pets at home, i quite literally drool over the rabbits and my boyfriend knows that when we find a house together we will very quickly have a small farm of bunnies, kittens and a puppy (and of course a horse, chickens and a fellabella if we win the lottery )..i know you've said before but what is your bunnies name? Grounding things are a good idea at the moment because ifeel so out of touch with real life...so yes my kittens and I have a giant Jellycat Panda called Mr Panda who goes everywhere with me ...my room is my safety net and so is reading,,,I LOVE to read!

Tomorrow my car is going into the garage early, but i usually wake up at 3am so i dont mind getting up early...then gym, Ive got to hoover and polish the whole house (we've got three floors, yuk) and do my ironing..i like ironing though so thats okay...then i have the dreaded lunch appointment with a support worker..another yuk because lunch is the hardest meal of the day. I have to have three rice cakes with philly on top and a piece of fruit with the aim of increasing it to a duck wrap, yogurt and fruit. My brain thinks FAT FAT FAT, but i know i can do the rice cakes, it just makes me feel disgusting all afternoon. Then at 2.30pm im going round to my friends house to see their xmas tree and just spend some time with them which will be lovely. They are a lovely married couple and its very comforting going round to the normality of their house. Then I have to go to the tip and pick up my weekly meds and go to sains. So not much really what are your plans?xxxxxxxx

Flick, I forgot rose is called rose ..how is she? what colour is she? have you had a good day my love? hugs and love to all xxxxxx

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“Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain

Ok Rose, I will try to rewrite what i wrote yesterday, hope it sticks this time.


I think it is great that you changed your exercise routine, sometimes just a small changes breaks the circle of routine a bit. I do a lot of exercise and feel I need to run for at least 60 minutes. A while ago I really tried hard to do less and ran for only 40 minutes, and you know what-the world didn’t come to an end!!!!! At the moment I am definitely running too much again, so I will take some inspiration from you and will change my exercise this week, do a bit less, or do something different.



I think this is great, I am not really sure what it means either, but at least you are feeling!!!! For a long time my therapist would ask me: what do you feel? And all I could say is Nothing, I feel nothing. That is different now, I feel a lot and it is not always nice, but at least I am feeling again!!!! I think it is great that you are able to tune into your body so much, that is such a good sign.

Have been thinking a lot about why your post was so triggering for some people. I felt very stirred up by it, not in a negative way, more in a way that I felt I could relate to you. My dad was the same when I was 16 (which is quite a while ago). Very controlling and also very controlling on what I was and was not allowed to eat. He would at times not allow me to eat anything at parties and watch me all the time, sooooo embarrassing!!!!! I was not allowed to touch HIS butter, HIS cashew nuts, HIS cornflakes, HIS chocolate or sweets. I responded by stopping eating all together and took my revenge on him and took my control back. Not a great coping mechanism but I use it again now to cope with some difficult things that have happened in my life. Then it worked, now it is just destroying me. So, although every situation is different, I feel I can relate to you in a certain way, as he used to put indicators on all his stuff so he would know if I had touched it. The thing is, that him doing this really only says something about him. Just like your parents behaviour really only says something about them. Not sure what though; their need to control, their inability to communicate at an adult level, their inability to deal with your ED??? I don’t know. I do think you should say something if you feel able to, although I think it would be such a hard thing to do. Telling them that you find their behaviour hurtful (or whichever emotion you want to give it) and that you want them to stop it, as you are an adult. I think would be hard but it would also be such an incredibly powerful statement to make. Both towards them (like saying-stop this behaviour as I stand above this) and towards yourself (like saying to yourself: This behaviour is not acceptable to me, I deserve more respect).
Don't ask them to tell you to your face what you are and are not allowed to eat, as I really believe that first of all you are allowed to eat anything you feel ok to eat. And secondly, they shouldn't tell you what you can and can not eat, you need to learn for yourself what you feel ok eating and what not. Does that make sense?

Ok, this is it from me.

Look after yourself a little bit more every day!!

Suzanne

Thank you for my birthday wishes. I was wondering how you were doing?

X

I dont know Just need to pull myself together.
Thank you so much for asking xxxx

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“Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain

Hey Rose
So sorry you're feeling rough. Please don't feel pressure to write about it - because sometimes feelings are just euuurggggh and can't be put into words - but do share if it helps.
Sending big hugs - here for you xxxxxxxxxx

sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Thinking of you!!
Please share with us if you feel it might help, but no pressure!!
x x x

Thank you
Im not sure what to say at the moment.
I want the control taken away from me but I cant let down the happy front
Hugs xx

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“Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain

An inpatient stay is rarely a fun experience, but sometimes it can give us the break and breather we need to break into a particularly difficult cycle; it can also be a huge relief to hand over control to someone else and allow them to look after us; that was my experience anyway. If it feels as if something like this might help you get through this particularly tough time is it something that you could look into?

Allowing that 'front' down and telling it how it really is, or just asking for help, can be difficult but I'd sometimes find it easier to do in written form (you could even hand it over in a face-to-face meeting if that felt easier).

I do hope that you're let people know how it really is and perhaps allow them to try and help you through.

hi Rose
just wanted to let you know im sorry you are struggling so much and send my thoughts your way i don't know what else to say really but i am thinking of you x

Hi Rose,
I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I think it is ok to let down the guard, it is hard but ok. It might give you the help you need.Looking back through your posts I think you have been having so much to deal with lately.
I understand that it is hard to do though. I find it hard too. I feel I need to keep my guard up, need to stay strong and be ok, keep the defenses up, because if I let them down, then what happens?!?!?!?? I feel it will leave me way to open to get hurt!!! It sounds like your home situation is very tough and it sounds like you need your defenses up there very much.

Maybe you don't need to let all your defenses down straight away if that feels too much. Maybe just let them down a little bit, don't jump in the pool, just dip in your toes. Maybe speak with a friend or a professional, or maybe do something nice and relaxing for yourself. Or write to us about how you are feeling if you feel it might help.

Lots of love,

Suzanne

Thank you so much, but i dont know what to do because i cant think. Ive said today to my cpn im out of control, she knows my thoughts in my head, whats happening with my weight.
But apart from actually saying 'can i go into hospital?' I dont know how to put across how i need help. And i cant say that line because that would be me failing to the anorexia, because i wouldnt be able to go to gym, and follow the 'icant stop' routine. And i dont know what would happen about eating. I want someone else to tell me to go in because then its not me giving into the anorexia, its someone else telling it i have to go in.

Im so sorry im being so crap. Everything is just a fog today
xxx

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“Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.” Mark Twain

((((Rose))))

Wow Rose, again I know how you feel. I do that, cancel hospital appointments, therapy appointments, all of them, because in one way I want to get better, but a big part of me doesn't want to. The anorexic part of me doesn't, because what do I then do about food and exercise and my routine????? Give that up????? Then how do I manage????

I think the thing is though, that you need help, the non-anorexic part of you needs help. The anorexic part of you doesn't want help because it wants to go on with its destuctive role. And I think it is SOOOOO important that that step to say 'I need help' comes from YOU, you know, the you-part that wants you to be well, the you-part that is battling this anorexia.
Sometimes I think I need to make myself worse, so that people will see I need help, just because I can not ask for help. It would feel as if I am diserting myself if I would ask for help. But I think the truth is that when I do ask for help, I am deserting my anorexic part and I am supporting the good part in me. I really want you to do what is best for YOU, and then I mean the proper YOU, not the anorexic part of you.
I think if you ask for help, you are supporting the proper Rose, the real Rose, the Rose that is so lovely and supportive on these boards. And I think that if you ask for help the anorexic part of you might not like that very much and get a bit confused and scared. But I also think that if you do accept the support and manage to communicate how you feel, they will help you with that, I really do. i just think it will take some trust and courage from the real Rose in you to trust it will be ok. The more you communicate about what is going on in your head, the easier it will become to ask for help, to seperate the anorexic part that doesn't want help from the part that does. We all need to be looked after sometimes, and it is ok to ask for that. I know how hard it is to ask for help, but to do it will make such a difference for you.
good luck!!
S x

Hey, you’re not being crap... xxxxxxxxx

Well done for being honest with your cpn today – I know that can’t have been easy.

The whole situation sounds sooooooo frustrating; it sounds as if you’ve put across as clearly as you possibly can that you need help but no one’s really listening. Of course, I guess that’s not the truth of the situation (that old problem of there just not being suitable IP resources?) but perhaps it’s what it feels like? (Do tell me if I’m wrong) Gah. Frustrating!

I can really relate to that feeling of wanting to be told to go in – the relief of not having to make that decision for yourself. I know in an ideal world I would probably be telling you to ‘not let the anorexia call the shots and choose to fight back yourself’...If you can do that – brilliant -but in practice I know how horribly difficult it is when you’re so much in the middle of it. (And that frustration at your apparent inability to do that can just become another stick to beat yourself over the head with) To be perfectly honest, I reckon that when things get to a certain point, securing the right outcome is the main thing that matters...

...And I know things are different for everyone, but in my experience when you’re in the ‘I can’t stop routine’, being taken out of the environment where you have so many negative habits is in itself very very effective. It’s so hard otherwise...because the ‘I can’t stop-ness’ just snowballs. I know you know this, but the physical consequences and mental torture really do get progressively horrendous. Please please please do everything you can to avoid being put in that situation Rose. Please please don’t put yourself through it. Also, because if you let it roll until someone forces you to go in, the further and more painfully you have to climb.

Just a suggestion - instead of saying ‘can I go into hospital?’ could you perhaps even just print out the post you wrote above and show it to your cpn? Because from what I can see, that might very likely lead to her at least strongly making the suggestion, but it wouldn’t exactly be you asking for it either? Kind of a compromise both ways?

Sorry, I’m waffling in tiredness tonight too and not making much sense. I certainly don’t want to lecture you on what you should do, so please ignore if any of this is unhelpful. But I am thinking of you, and sending lots of hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Hang in there xxx

Rose
i understand where you are coming from - i was in your very situation not so long ago, and i was pushing for inp as i couldn't cope anymore but part of me was running away i wanted them to make me do it instead of me having to ask.
the best solution for me at that time was (and still is now) that when im realy struggling in this environment - i go down to my mums and dads to stay, where i just can't continue in the same destructive habits. is there anyone else close to you that you can go to stay a few days with here and there, just to give you a break, who understand? a close friend, or any other family? just where they will understand to make you foods that are safe for you, you will be with people a lot, and just get your head showered just in the meantime?