www.swedauk.org

I did something strange a few days ago when I looked up this site on impulse and posted something on impulse which I probably shouldn't have. I've been in a dim guilt-fog since and felt it wouldn't be right to disappear again without posting something.

I've been in solid recovery for about two years now, barring the occasional confused wobble. This means I have no ED behaviours and deal with my painful thoughts directly. I have a really good life: a fantastic job, a loving husband and some very close friends. Whatever struggles I face I deal with directly: this is what recovery is to me. I'm far from perfect, and still break down in tears sometimes and just go off on my own to get my head straight, but whatever I go through I go without behaviours.

Where am I going with this? Well... nowhere, really. Except that I am recovered. I am very self-aware and I know myself well. It's been a very difficult three years for me since I really pushed for that recovery drive. I haven't stopped fighting in all that time. It's been the hardest thing in the world but recovery is possible. In fact it's more than possible, it's inevitable when you never give up. Life never becomes any easier, but it's easier to deal with the painful issues without the complication of an eating disorder.

I just want people to know it's possible. Recovery is possible and that life can be wonderful, it can be wonderful, no matter what you've been through in the past. There is a place in every future to move beyond the past. It doesn't matter who you are or what you've been through or what the grizzly details are: recovery is still possible, for you. No matter what. Your recovery is in your future. It's just there, waiting.

wow. hi. i rarely look on here but recognised your sign on name. glad all is going well.

It is good to hear from you again Lycaste and even better to hear that you made it into recovery and that life is good. Thank you for sharing it, I do think that recovery is talked about a lot and held up, by ourselves and therapists, as something would should aspire to and aim for, without necessarily thinking too much about what recovery is and it's great to hear from people that have got there.

I'd like to add my voice to the 'recovery is possible' crowd (and have done on here before) and would also like to highlight that there were times when things were just so dark that I really couldn't see a way out, and yet I do, so recovery is possible even if you're in a place were you can't believe it for yourself. I'm so glad that I made it through. Recovery, and life in general, isn't perfect but for me it's so much better than the alternatives (and, I think, probably better than I expected).

Thanks for the post Lycaste. It's good to know that recovery is possible, that even though I feel wobbly now and unsure, recovery can be a reality.

I will love myself and know that I'm worthy of love just because one day. I do need to fight for it though - thanks for reminding me of that...

thank you, i remember you from my first year of uni (i'm in 4th now) The timing of your post couldn't have been more perfect. It's exactly what i need to hear.
I"m glad things are going so well for you, xxxx

Dear Lycaste,
I no longer have been reading the boards but heard you have posted and am so heartened to hear you are doing well! The message is so clear.
As Phenol said, it's just what i needed to hear!
Life is MUCH better without the behaviours.

I am still learning more and more each day about the truth of that and allowing myself to experience fluctuations in emotions. Emotions are scary - we can feel a bit out of control at first. But the more we get used to the reality of them, and accept them, and are around others who allow us to be whole, emotional beings, things begin to settle down and it's possible to find a new sort of control.

I have learnt how my use of ed behaviours in a way is to somehow flatten out my life experience. Life becomes all about the "food thing" all the time. I guess in a way that any addict does! - like a smoker will keep reaching for the familiar rush given by a cigarette. Or for a heroine addict their whole life would be focused on getting that next fix, blotting out everything else. Nothing else would matter but that fix.
Yes - we need food. But we do not need to use it as an escape - a 24/7 preoccupation. Eating badly makes me feel ill, so even if the food wouldn't always be on my mind, the feeling off illness and the ups and downs would all come back to the behaviours that perpetuate the situation.

Eating well we lighten the load on ourselves.
Yes. And then there is more room for life. Exactly! And it sounds like you've got one. HURRAH!!!!
We can all have that dear folks.

With Love to one and all!
xx

Wow. It's so nice to hear from all of you. Alcestis, Paul, Amygirl, Flick, Phenol and Free Spirit, you have all meant so much to me throughout the years.

Paul, I just wanted to pick up on something: recovery is definitely often promoted as a perfect goal that we can never live up to, and I think the drive for perfection / lack of deep worth that fuels an eating disorder also, by its nature, sets the bar of recovery far too high. Is recovery about having a perfectly happy, perfectly balanced life? No, of course not. Has a perfect life ever existed for anyone, any one of the hundred and fifty billion people who have ever lived and died on this planet? I guarantee you it has not. But in my experience few therapists ever challenge our mental picture of recovery and help us be happy in the lives we have. My eating-disordered view of happiness was always not "I'll be happy when I no longer punish myself daily for things I haven't done wrong," but "I'll be happy when I have loads of friends, a degree, a stable job, a really nice home, a loving partner, a herb garden, a published novel, perfect financial health, a car that requires no maintenance, my own private island..."

I'm exaggerating a wee bit but you get the idea. "I am happy when there is no more stress," is not realistic. I didn't enjoy myself at Uni because all that mattered was getting my degree and leaving ("...then I'll be happy.") Then I did a MSc, and the same thought occurred then, and although I was managing behaviours, when I got my first job, and my second, and my third, all I could think was "When will all that hard work matter? Why aren't I happy yet?"

Until one day I just let go, and that's when real recovery started. What I have in this moment is all that I've got. It is all I'll ever have. And there's something else that made a difference:

I've taken what I used to want out of "recovery," and I've renamed it. I've called it my Vision instead. It's what I want from my life but not linked to my eating disorder. I can live my life now and still have my vision, and you'll find every single person on earth has their own vision even if they've never needed recovery.

My Vision is this:
To have a stable, permanent home that I can spend most of the rest of my life in.
To have a permanent, secure and enjoyable job where I am recognised and valued.
To have a network of friends who love me for me and who value my company and failings as I love theirs.
To have a good work-life balance and the ability to explore my own interests and hold my opinions.
To be physically fit and mentally strong without there being any obsession in either.
To feel that I'm contributing where I need to and that my input is valued by those that matter to me.

This is not recovery at all, but it's what I used to imagine recovery meant. But real Recovery for me is different.

Recovery is:
To eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full
To use my voice not my body to say what I need to
To experience every emotion fully
To trust that my instincts will keep me fit and healthy without too much thought from me
To take care of myself and respect my body and mind
To not be wracked by physical pain and gnawed at by guilt and fear
To have a basic faith in my ability to undertake any task I need to.

As Free Spirit says, it's the emotions which can be difficult to manage. Every person has them: anger, doubt, fear, stress, love, passion, hope, guilt, loneliness, longing, desperation, regret. These don't cease to exist in recovery and in fact can become stronger for a while. But instead of numbing them out it's about learning to deal with them appropriately: for me it's through writing, friendship, self-reflection and hard work. I know I still do things wrong, I know there are still problems in my life, but I trust myself to fix them without fixating on them to the point of tuning out everything good.

I really hope you all are well,

Lycaste.x

Wow, that was such an inspiration to read! It has really got me thinking... Thank you so much for sharing that with us!x

Dear Lycaste,

I am a little late to this thread but I wanted to say how wonderful it is, and it is so fantastic to hear you are doing well...it is a huge inspiration.

Goodluck with everything in the future

lycaste
u are doin so well i wish u the best of luck.
ur last post really touched me and made me think about wot i need to do. i want to recover i am fed up wiv whom i am.u are an inspiration
xxxx